Don't forget the Loaves: Personal Reflection and Correction

This topic is very personal for me. The title of my blog is "All Things Public" for a reason. It's more than just a blog. It's a sacrifice. It means that all the personal trials and tribulations that I go through that I always keep to myself will no longer be my secrets. It means that I am stepping out of my comfort zone to share some of my personal issues so that they will be a reminder to you that you are not alone in the things that you have gone through or will go through. They are a reminder to you about the importance of being humble because neither of us are excluded from God's wrath.

Every since I graduated college last year, I have dreamed about working in my field as a Communications Coordinator. Yes. Dreamed about it. I love to write and even though sometimes I get nervous about what those in authority in this field will think about my talents and will they see the same gift I see, I have managed to keep going because I am not a quitter. This is a field that I dared to go into. Coming from Greenville, MS, people told me more than once don't do it. Go to school to be a nurse. Go be a doctor. Go be a teacher. Do something in the medical field. But, see I couldn't do that. I couldn't do that because I remembered that when I was in the 5th grade, my teacher told me I was writing on a high school level. I couldn't do that because all through high school when everybody dreaded writing assignments and reports, I was smiling on the inside because I know how much I love to play with words. It is my passion and it's something I absolutely love to do. Yes, I tried to attempt to go to school for nursing, BUT God would not let that be, because HE KNEW, he knew that he had given me a gift that He intended for me to use. That's why when I was at the Mississippi University for Women getting ready to do orientation in the nursing program, I heard the counselor say "Everybody in the nursing field, please line up at the back!" I had to get up quick and ask him "Where do I go to get out of this" cause while I was sitting in my seat next to my friends, I knew all along that I wanted to be something and somebody different. Now where am I going with all this you might ask.

That was about 5 years ago. I graduated with a degree in Communications and I sought out a job that would allow me to do what I loved and get a reasonable salary for it. After all, throughout school besides earning experience, I worked for free at the American Red Cross in their Marketing and Communications department just so I could have something to show that I had good writing skills. And anytime you have a talent, God nurtures it, and he develops it. I wasn't a perfect writer when I started there, but I learned. I learned to write in different formats for different purposes. It didn't come easy, but God knew exactly how to polish a diamond in the rough.

Every since I graduated, I felt that God owed me a job. I felt that HE owed me a good paying job in my field and that I should have it at that very moment. I didn't want His learning process..I didn't want all the extra stuff..I just wanted a job in my field so that I could say all my hard work had paid off and look at me now. BUT because He loves me and He doesn't spoil any of his children, it hasn't come easy to me. Well if you believed and you prayed and sacrificed why didn't it come easy to you Gabriel? Truth is, I broke all kinds of rules. Exodus 20:3 God's word specifically states "THOU SHALL PUT NO OTHER GODS BEFORE ME". He also told me specifically, Let not your heart be troubled! But instead of me trusting HIM and THANKING HIM for bringing me through school and rejoicing, I had made finding a job so important, that I forgot to trust him. I had made that "good paying, field related job.." my GOD. I had made my degree my God.

You see that is why he tells us Trust in Me with all thine heart and lean not to thine own understanding. GABRIEL'S understanding said that I have graduated, I got a little bit of experience now where is MY high paying job. I was arrogant and I thought that my DEGREE was going to get me what I wanted. My EXPERIENCE was going to open the door lol. smh. BUT, God humbled me and Im so glad He did. You see in the midst of my foolishness, I had forgotten to be thankful for my life. my family. my health. my strength. I had forgotten the people who loved me the most and who helped get me to the point I was at. When God humbled me I knew which ones I had ignored. Because it was these same people that I looked to in my time of trouble. It was these same people that blessed me financially, spiritually and spoke encouraging words to me when I felt like giving up on my dreams. Another consequence of leaning on my own understanding? I lost all peace, joy. I was depressed and sad. I fel t like I had someway failed myself. My self esteem went down, I felt like I wasn't good enough. My talent probably wasn't talent at all. You see when u lean to your own understanding you make your mind and spirit subject to the enemy's wicked devices. He told me all these things. BUT because God loved me so much, He knew that it was a process to make me not break me. He blessed me with a job that showed me just how fresh in the work world I really was. There was a lot I didn't know. The blessing was that HE allowed me to continue moving forward even though it wasn't the high profile job that I thought I was ready for. He showed me, u see? U didn't want to trust me and I was trying to show you all the while that YOU AIN'T EVEN READY YET FOR THAT high profile job you thought you deserved so badly.

Even after all I had been through in the past year, that same haughty spirit wanted to rise up in me today. I even had the nerves to get frustrated!? For those of you who saw it today Bishop Jakes preached about "saving the scraps". The text referenced Mark 6: 41-52. See Jesus told his disciples when they were done with the miracle of  feeding the 5000, to "save the scraps"..He wanted them to keep it as a reminder for their next test that they had no idea was coming. The disciples found themselves out there on the water in a raging storm and when Jesus came walking on the water, they barely even recognized them. They were too worried about the storm  they were in and when Jesus came onto the boat and the storm ceased, they were yet amazed for the bible tells us that they had forgotten the "loaves and their hearts were heartened."

You see that job was only a one year committment and when I finished that meant unemployment. And yet my heart was THIS CLOSE to becoming hardened again until this message today when Jesus told me not to worry about the storm and the winds and rains around me. Don't worry about not having a job, I AM YOUR PROVIDER. Have you forgotten the loaves? See I was just about to forget that it was JESUS who gave me a job in the first place. I was just about to forget that it was HIS miracle that gave a girl with just a little experience a chance to work in her field and learn more than she had ever dreamed about work and herself in just one year.

SO I say all this to say that sometimes we have to Let Go and Let God. That doesn't mean say "Lord work this out for me" every single day. That means LIVE. YOUR. LIFE. Enjoy your family, your friends, your health, your strength, being a child of God. He already knows what you need before you do. Continue to rest on His promises, be faithful, and don't forget the miracles that He has already performed for you. Have faith. Believe. Rest. Don't forget the loaves. God bless you. I love you and thank you sooo much for your support!

Love,
Gabriel <3